Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome