If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.