If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over