If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.