If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
he looks great for his age
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*