A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.