[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You Might Also Like
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
when someone compliments me
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.