Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir