My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The dark side of Canada
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.