No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You Might Also Like
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore