[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.