*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played