GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
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Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
💁🏻♂️
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.