When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
That de-escalated quickly
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*