I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
You Might Also Like
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Weighing up my bread heating options
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.