You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire