ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Breaking news:
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.