If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Nothing to do, you say?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Buck naked
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral