If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
You Might Also Like
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Huge”.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.