If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup