“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.