FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
estão todos miauvindo?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
the three branches of government
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF