There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.