[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
You Might Also Like
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are