The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
You Might Also Like
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person