therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me