You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You Might Also Like
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname