I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”