Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story