Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m not proud
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I have many caverns
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.