Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner