tis the season
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Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God