I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.