When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.