some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip