I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You Might Also Like
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Phones down.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My current situation
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.