A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Sheep
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!