What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
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Meanwhile in Portland…
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.