doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house