All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
my nickname in college
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.