PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Just a phase…
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.