[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”