My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Buck naked
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”