You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia