If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
A drum solo but on your face.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.