I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”