I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
found my next D&D character name
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
the official breakfast of 2021
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no