Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
adding to the discourse
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.