[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we