Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid